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Dunk Cheney

The Onion at its best:

Organizers reported Sunday that the 44th White House Carnival was a rousing success, raising a record $800,000,066,845 for the federal government—$800 billion of which came from a dunk tank featuring former vice president Dick Cheney.

Enlarge Image Cheney DunkCheney tells more than 200 million Americans to “throw or get the hell out of [his] sight.”

According to Secretary of the Treasury and carnival volunteer Timothy Geithner, the 5-foot-deep tank has provided a much-needed boost to the nation’s flagging economy.

“We expected a big turn out, but this is unbelievable,” said Geithner, adding that it’s tradition for the outgoing vice president to work the dunk tank. “More than half the country has already gone, and there’s still about 20 million people stretching all the way to Maryland waiting for their chance to sink Cheney. We’ll be leaving this booth open for as long as it takes for everyone to get a turn.”

According to carnival sources, a visibly irritated Cheney, clad in sandals and a white cotton robe, arrived at the one-day event shortly before 10 a.m. After removing his robe to reveal a black, 1940s-style bathing suit, the vice president reportedly touched his hand to the water, muttered something to himself, and was then helped up the tank’s ladder by several members of his Secret Service detail.

Enlarge Image Dunk Chart

“All right, you candy arms, let’s go,” Cheney shouted at the line of people, which consisted of Americans, non-Americans, out-of-work autoworkers, teachers, luminaries from the science community, gays, lesbians, military personnel, members of Congress, children, and the entire Arab-American population. “Hey [former British prime minister Tony] Blair. I see you back there. Think you’ll be able to stop crying long enough to throw the ball?”

Added Cheney, “You bunch of pansies couldn’t hit a barn door if you were sitting on the handle.”

Records show that the first dunk of the day came at the hands of Iraq War veteran Ben Hunter, whose throwing technique, Cheney repeatedly said, was reminiscent of his own grandmother’s. After being goaded by the former vice president for several minutes, Hunter reportedly struck the tank’s target on his third turn, plunging Cheney into the pool below and eliciting wild cheers from the roughly 150 million people on hand.

“That felt really good,” Hunter told reporters. “I mean, really good. I’m going to get back in line and do it again.”

Established in 1797, the White House Carnival was the brainchild of President George Washington, who wanted to raise funds for the burgeoning new republic. That year, citizens paid two cents apiece to watch Vice President John Adams jump into a nearby pond, an act that ultimately led to the dunk tank tradition.

Although past carnivals have raised anywhere from $50,000 to $60,000—just enough to pay for the carnival itself—tallies indicate that, thanks to Cheney, this year’s record-setting proceeds could help steer the nation out of a deepening recession.

“The water’s great,” Cheney said moments after being dunked by third-grader Sean Biller, who traveled all the way from Denver for his chance to meet the former vice president. “Hopefully your unemployed dad can afford to give you money for another turn.”

Unlike Biller, who carefully threw the ball at the bull’s-eye, many citzens opted instead to aim directly at the head and chest of the 67-year-old politician.

One contestant who struggled to hit the target was Sen. John Kerry (D-MA). After nearly 20 unsuccessful tries, several of which involved Kerry standing well ahead of the thrower’s line, carnival officials finally allowed Kerry to just walk up and press the button with his hand.

Other carnival highlights included “Crazy Rahm’s Guess Your Weight” game, President Carter’s face painting station—which raised $52.75—and Laura Bush winning her third consecutive demolition derby. Still, the main attraction was Cheney, who several times sprayed the crowd with a Super Soaker, suffered an estimated 1,396 assassination attempts, and once suggested that participants with weak arms be sent to Afghanistan “to toughen up.”

“I think that son of a bitch was actually having a good time up there,” said attendee and former press secretary Ari Fleischer. “Much different than in 2000 when Al Gore refused to take off his T-shirt.”

While the dunk tank remained busy throughout the evening, reports from the other side of the White House lawn were less favorable, with former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice having not yet received a single customer at her kissing booth.

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Dear Friend of Liberty,…

An appropriate call to action from John F. Tate (President, Campaign for Liberty):

This week, the U.S. Senate is debating the so-called “Stimulus” bill, a nearly TRILLION DOLLAR boondoggle being carefully marketed as a treatment for our economic woes.

In reality, this big government disaster-in-the-making will only further devalue our dollar, increase our national debt, and continue our country’s descent into socialism. You may think there’s nothing you can do to make a difference, but you can.  More on that in a moment.

Just last week, House Democrats passed their pork-laden “stimulus” package over the surprisingly united opposition of House Republicans.  The Senate bill is, amazingly, an even more inflated version.

Our economy cannot survive this type of continued limitless spending and reckless disregard for free market principles.

Our country is already over $10 TRILLION in debt, with tens of trillions in unfunded liabilities on top of that.

This “stimulus solution” to our economic problems is exactly the type of disastrous big government policy that created the crisis in the first place, and passing it will certainly prolong the suffering.

What can YOU do?

For starters, you can contact your Senators today and urge them to oppose this bloated federal spending spree. There is mounting outrage over this pork-laden disaster, and the politicians are getting nervous.

You can get contact information for your Senators by clicking here, then selecting your state from the map and clicking “Congressional Information.”

Our website not only allows you to speak out and hold your Congress accountable, but it also keeps you updated on all Campaign for Liberty activity in your state and across the country.

To make your voice heard and to stay involved with the Revolution in your state, follow this link: http://www.campaignforliberty.com/usa.php

Campaign for Liberty was founded to deliver the message to the bureaucrats in D.C. that “Enough is enough!”  It is our mission to stop this extravagant spending, educate our fellow countrymen on sound economics, and turn the tide back toward liberty and a balanced federal checkbook.

It is crucial that you help us by making your voices heard.

Calling and writing Congress can seem hopeless at times, but that’s exactly the feeling politicians want you to have. They want you to think you don’t matter. They want you to sit quietly.

Let them know that you won’t be quiet, that you are watching them, and that you are not going away.  Demand that your Senators defend the constitutional values they have sworn to uphold.

Encourage them to call this “stimulus package” what it really is – a socialist repudiation of our nation’s values – and to vote it down.

Again, please contact them today by following this link: http://www.campaignforliberty.com/usa.php

With your help, we can win this battle in our fight to restore our Constitution and reclaim the Republic our forefathers fought to give us.  And even if it does still pass, we will use it to further the Revolution that you and I are bringing about.

In Liberty,

John F. Tate

President, Campaign for Liberty

P.S. Radical Socialism is currently being debated in the halls of Congress. Please write and call your Senators and demand that they oppose this so-called “Stimulus Package” and other Big Government power grabs.

P.P.S. Campaign for Liberty practices the principles we preach. Unlike the government, we will not go into debt. Only your ongoing support allows us to continue our fight against tyranny. If you can help Campaign for Liberty financially, please make your generous contribution of $250, $100, $50, or whatever you can afford at this time here: https://www.campaignforliberty.com/donate.php

Thank you for all of your hard work for the cause of liberty!

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Stop the Stimulus

I already explained on numerous occasions why bailouts and more government spending won’t work, make things worse and create another Great Depression.

Below please find a great pro-active campaign that was sent to me from BreakTheMatrix.com:

Announcing: A quick, easy, FREE plan for stopping the stimulus… TODAY. Time to mobilize, Matrix Breakers!!

Watch the video, then see below for everything you need to get started:

Resources:

Senate Phone/Fax numbers + Emails (by State)

Sample phone script:

“Hello, my name is __________, and I am a member of a conservative social media group called Top Conservatives on Twitter. I’m calling today to find out how Senator _____ intends to vote on S. 1, the stimulus package. (write down and report back the response. If the answer is “Vote Yes”) I’d like to encourage him/her to vote against this piece of legislation because it is too large and will be ineffective in boosting the economy. I especially don’t like (the talking point of the day). Please let Senator ______ know that I would like for him to vote “NO” when this piece of legislation is offered.”

Sample fax/e-mail text (please copy and paste these to your e-mail):

To the Honorable Senator _________,

My name is ____________, and I am a member of a conservative social media group called Top Conservatives on Twitter. I am writing today to ask you to vote against S. 1, the pork laden stimulus bailout. This is a bill that is full of wasteful spending and will not effectively boost the economy. In its current form, the stimulus bill will be more expensive than the Iraq and Afghanistan wars combined. It is a bill that is being marketed as an immediate response to a national emergency, but many economist have agreed that it will do nothing but prolong the recession. It reflects the “Christmas wish-list” of the Democrats most powerful interest groups more than the needs of the country. I urge you to keep the country’s best interest in mind, and not the desires of liberal interest groups, in mind as you vote against this bill.

Above all else, be polite. Passion is encouraged, foul language is not. Be aggressive, but not abusive.

*******************

THANKS to TCOT (TopConservativesOnTwitter.org) for organizing this counterstrike!

TopConservativesOnTwitter.org is a group that welcomes anyone who believes what they call “the basics of conservatism” – smaller government, lower taxes, self-reliance and gun ownership. You’ll find Libertarians, Ron Paul Republicans, Independents, regular Republicans, and many others in this group. I certainly have differences of opinion with some of the people there (as with any group), but on this particular issue, I see a huge opportunity to join forces and have a much greater impact.

Join the TCOT Action Project network at: http://tcotprojects.ning.com

More details here: http://www.tcotreport.com/moveovermoveon.html

And don’t miss Sandie’s blog – she’s a fellow BTM/TCOT member: http://scrosnoe.wordpress.com

**********************************

PLEASE help us spread the word by forwarding the video to your friends, and rating, favoriting, commenting in YouTube. That is the single best way to help it move up the charts so new people will see it and learn about what we’re doing.

Other ways to help: Digg, StumbleUpon, Reddit, Post this article and the video on Facebook, send a MySpace bulletin… you guys know the drill :)

THANK YOU for your help!!

Shelly

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